Let’s talk about something incredibly painful and, unfortunately, far too common: a sibling blocking you from seeing your elderly parent. Maybe your sibling moved in with your parent to care for them. Sometimes a sibling moves the parent into their own house. However it happens, we’ve seen this scenario play out countless times, and we know how emotionally difficult it can be. You're worried, you're feeling helpless, and frankly, you might be furious.
What Could Happen?
In these situations, some people find out after a parent dies that a new will was drafted during the time when they were shut out of their parent’s life. The new will leaves everything to the person living with the elderly parent. That sibling may convince the parent not to tell their other children about the change in a will.
You may find out that your parent has transferred some or all of their assets to the caregiving sibling – including real estate, investment accounts and cars. The truly sophisticated bad siblings have the beneficiary forms to accounts changed to cut everyone out but themselves.
The parent may be told the other children never call, never visit and perhaps don’t even love the parent — all the while leaving out the fact that the other siblings are being prevented access. This may sound a bit unbelievable but it happens in many circumstances.
The historical dynamics of families often continue as parents become elderly and more vulnerable. That means that heated rivalries may occur — and adult children who have freeloaded off their parents for years may latch onto them even more.
The person controlling an elderly parent doesn’t have to be part of the family. In some cases, it can be a housekeeper, neighbor or a stranger. The motives are the same — to make the elderly parent believe that the controlling individual is the only one who cares enough to help.
What Should You Do?
While legal solutions can be complex and case-specific, there are definite steps you can take. Before we dive in, remember this: every situation is unique. If you’re facing this situation, you need to consult with a qualified attorney to discuss your specific circumstances.
1. Call the Local Area Agency on Aging.
If you cannot get in touch with your parent and are prevented from seeing them, it is a form of elder abuse. Someone who is exerting complete control over an elderly person is evidence of elder abuse. The AAA may assign an investigator to call your parent or visit the home to assess the situation.
2. Be on the Lookout for Financial Exploitation.
The person who restricts access to an elderly person often does so with the intent of financially exploiting the victim. This means taking an elder’s money or other assets against their will or without their knowledge. Also deceiving, harassing, intimidating or using undue influence to get the elder to do something against their will or best interests.
Look for these signs of exploitation:
Deviation in long-held financial habits of your parent
Changed Will
Changed beneficiary forms
Name of caregiver on parent’s accounts
Numerous unpaid bills
Checks made to cash
Disparity between lifestyle and assets
Personal belongings are missing
3. Take Reasonable Steps to Maintain Contact with Your Parent.
Just because someone is getting in the way, try not to be easily rebuffed in your efforts to maintain contact with your parent. Call and text your parent. Call, text or email your sibling with requests to visit. Go to their home and ask to see your parent. Approach the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen. Even if it feels like a lost cause, attempting open communication can demonstrate to a court that you've made a genuine effort to resolve the issue peacefully. If possible, suggest involving a neutral third party, like a pastor, family therapist or mutually trusted friend, to facilitate the conversation. If you know your parent’s schedule of activities outside the home, plan to be where your parent is going to be so you have contact with them. If you know your parents’ close friends or relatives, call them and ask if they’re also experiencing difficulties maintaining contact. A group effort to break through can be effective.
4. Document Everything.
Keep a detailed log of important information. This includes:
A list of your parent’s assets to the extent you know them. If you have access to their accounts online, you should take down important information like account numbers and balances. Often the sibling who is holding your parent hostage will work to access your parent’s accounts and possibly change or drain them.
Copies of your communications (or attempts) with you parent or the caregiver who is getting in the way.
Dates and times you tried to contact your parent or visit them.
How you attempted contact (phone, text, email, in-person).
The response you received (or lack thereof).
Who you spoke with (if anyone) and what was said.
Your overall feelings and concerns.
5. Review Existing Legal Documents.
Does your parent have a Power of Attorney (POA), a Healthcare Directive (Living Will), or a Will? Who are the designated agents or executors? These documents dictate who has the legal authority to make decisions regarding your parent's finances, healthcare, and well-being. Having copies of these could be important when consulting with an attorney or seeking court intervention.
Seek Legal Counsel and Potentially File a Petition with the Court
If all else fails, it might be necessary to involve the courts. An experienced Pennsylvania elder law attorney can:
Review the facts of the situation and make additional suggestions for action steps prior to resorting to the courts.
Advise you on your legal options, including filing a petition for guardianship, seeking an accounting of funds if a POA is involved, or requesting visitation rights.
Represent you in court and advocate for your parent's best interests.
While going to court is often the last resort, it's sometimes the only way to ensure your parent's well-being and your right to visit them. A petition to the court could seek orders for access, guardianship, or even the removal of a problematic agent under a Power of Attorney.
Key Takeaway
This is a stressful situation, but you are not alone. Remember to document everything, attempt open communication, understand the legal landscape, and don't hesitate to seek professional legal advice from the experienced elder law attorneys at Fiffik Law Group. Protecting your parent's well-being is paramount, and sometimes that requires navigating complex legal issues.